Words Hurt Only When You Care Who Says Them

Words have power … so much so that they are capable of causing very high emotional pain. As if we had received a blow, as if a direct attack split our soul, and fragmented the heart into a thousand pieces.

However, this effect only have power if the words themselves come from a person who is significant to us: our spouse, a relative, a friend .. . It is like a break in our schemes and balance, it is to feel an aggression coming from a very intimate bond.

Language is not just a set of words associated with meanings that we inherit and learn socially and culturally. In reality, language is first and foremost a way of communicating and transmitting emotions. There where even the tone and facial expression, “communicate”.

Throughout our lives we may receive inappropriate, unfortunate or even malicious comments. Now, most of them we let go and they leave no trace on our brain. Those that do leave marks and scars are those that come from the mouths of loved ones.

We all keep in the “dark” basement of our memory, that contemptuous phrase that a close relative gave us. It may also, that even today, you still remember with pain certain phrases and certain words evoked by that person you loved so much.

Words that leave scars

Something that we must bear in mind is that none of us are exempt from “dropping” at some point, an inappropriate word that causes harm or annoyance to someone. It can be something specific. However, the problem comes when more than words, we receive from someone a harmful communication and lack of affection.

Paul Watzlawick, a famous Austrian psychologist who is an expert in communication and language, enunciated an interesting theory which he called “disconfirmation.” In it, the destructive power of words in human communication was reflected, and the most common ways in which it was carried out:

• Devaluation: in this type of communication, a certain type of words are used that seek above all to diminish the value of the person. value to his entire figure, to his entire essence. It is something really destructive.

• Disqualification: in this case what is sought is no longer devalue, but “invalidate”. It goes a step further and words appear like “you are useless”, “you are the clumsiest person in the world”, “you do not reach the bottom of anyone’s shoes …”

• Disconfirmation: this degree of communication completely nullifies a person. If in the previous definitions we took away value and humiliated, here we proceed to “ignore”. It does not matter if the child does something good or bad, he is ignored. It does not matter that the couple is next to the person they love, he or she proceeds to make “the void”. As if it didn’t exist …

How to deal with words that hurt

Sometimes there are those who simply do not know how to communicate, who lack adequate tools to offer emotional closeness, respect and recognition. They are the kind of people who speak almost without thinking and hurt without realizing it (at least most of the time).

Throughout our lives we have seen ourselves in these situations. Feeling pain for certain words that people close to us make us reach is something that we must know how to face. And the keys would be these:

• We have to see what the personality of that person is like. It is possible that either our parents or a sibling have this characteristic: the lack of emotional and respectful communication. If so, it is something that we must assume but always leaving in evidence, “that they do harm.” 

• If that communication is always aggressive and violates our rights up to the point of disqualification, it is clear that this relationship should not be reinforced. It is a type of abuse and as such, we will defend ourselves and put a needed distance.

• In the event that our partner, for example, makes frequent use of words loaded with irony, you must understand that it is also a type of personal violation. Do not let that happen.

• He understands from the beginning that a person’s specific use of words says a lot about his personality. If you are not comfortable with the language, you do not “fit in” with that person.

We can all at any given moment, drop or receive harmful words. If it is something specific, do not hesitate to express your displeasure, your annoyance and your pain out loud. Use “personalization” and make the other person see what they would feel if they were in your place.

Images courtesy of “Art in the Dark,” and Beth Joole