What Are The Limits In My Relationship With A Partner?

When we speak of limits in any social relationship, we are referring to those own criteria that are inviolable or non-negotiable. There are certain limits that are normally shared by almost everyone, both in the family, social or partner area, but many others are personal and we establish them with the other people in our environment according to what we are willing to tolerate.

In the realm of the couple, the limits can vary greatly from one person to another. There are people who are capable of supporting and even forgiving an infidelity and others who would never do it, no matter how in love they are with their partner. In this sense, the education that each one has received, personal experiences, as well as values ​​and self-esteem, have a lot to do with it.

However, it is advisable to know that although each one can establish their personal limits and that between these there may be a diversity of criteria, there are behaviors of the other that we should not miss, if we want to preserve our self-esteem and our dignity.

Limits and emotional dependence

Almost everyone is clear about what they do not want in their relationship. However, it frequently happens that, when those limits – established in a personal way – are exceeded by the other, the person continues in the relationship and does not feel capable of ending it and taking another path.

They see their partner as a vital need, like food or rest, and therefore detachment becomes impossible. The fear of losing their “loved one” is so great for some people that they are able to endure behaviors such as lying, abuse or annulment in order to maintain the relationship.

The thought of the clerk is normally expressed in the following way: “Sure it will change”, “It is not so bad … maybe I am exaggerating”, “He does it because he is stressed, this will not last forever”, and so on. They justify their partner’s behavior even though it is hurting them because they need to give themselves arguments. Reasons, that although inside they know false, at least momentarily reassure them, make them forgive their partner and continue with the relationship.

Limits and self-esteem

Healthy self-esteem, meaning unconditional acceptance of yourself, is the cornerstone of mental health and emotional well-being. Low self-esteem or lack of acceptance is, on the other hand, the starting point of many of the psychological problems.

Self-esteem has a lot to do with limits, in all vital areas and especially in the couple. If I value the other person more than myself or if I believe that I am not capable of being alone, that I need that person to be happy or that my partner is the one who gives meaning to my whole existence, I will be laying very powerful mines in my self esteem. Mines, which on the other hand, can explode at any time.

This is somewhat dangerous because, if we let it go, we can reach a point where it is very difficult for us to get out of the relationship or where we find ourselves deeply saddened by that partner.

By being clear about it and being consistent with it, we do not systematically subordinate our needs to the needs of the other. An attitude that  is not at all selfish, if the reader comes to think so, but rather sensible. If we are at peace and in line with our ideas and values, we can be in harmony with the other person and in turn, that person will also feel better with us.

What should we not miss?

As we have commented at the beginning, what each one wants for their relationship has very personal aspects. If we are doubtful about our relationship, we could ask ourselves: Is this what I want for my life? Do I see this person in five years? Is this behavior something that I am willing to tolerate?

The most important thing, if you ask yourself these questions, is to be honest with the answers. The affirmative answers would be reasons to leave the  relationship, knowing that afterwards we will probably have to go through a grieving process in which we will have to rebuild.

And what is it that we would never have to tolerate? One of the things that no human being should tolerate from another is to be annulled as a person, that is, that your tastes, values ​​and opinions are banned.

Obviously, another limit that we should be clear about is abuse in its two aspects, both physical and emotional. We cannot allow anyone to mistreat us because no one has the right to do so: finding justifications for abuse will only lengthen the situation in time. Leave the relationship the first time it occurs.

Finally, let us not allow anyone to restrict our individual freedom. It is the most valuable thing we have. We have to be free to come and go, to decide what lifestyle we want to lead, to have our friends, etc. Therefore, you must always put your freedom above all else.

And remember … love, not everything can. Sometimes love has to be thought about and not just felt.