The Scapegoat Theory In Family Relationships

The scapegoat theory appears with high frequency on the scene of many families. This phenomenon, understood as the projection on a specific person of the responsibility and guilt of every problem, misery or adversity, is something that narcissistic personalities execute to a greater degree on their own children.

There is an unwritten and commonly assumed rule that the role of every father and every mother is to care for the well-being of their children. Caring for them, loving them and projecting noble values ​​on them so that they become good people are aspects that should undoubtedly be normative. However, as we well know, in the privacy of a home what is expected or desirable does not always happen.

There are people who have spent their childhood on a mined territory. Children and adolescents who suddenly become the focus of their parents’ frustrations. Also in those indirectly responsible for their unhappiness and the reason for every problem that occurs at home.

Scapegoat Theory in Family Relationships What is it?

The scapegoat theory has its origins in ancient tribal societies. A goat was often chosen as a symbol of all the collective sins of the group. Their sacrifice was a way of appeasing the deity of that social group and thus being able to atone for any stain, vice, weakness or perversity committed and guarantee a symbolic “cleansing” of each individual.

In this way, and over time, this figure was also added with the arrival of the Crusades, the expression “scapegoat” which undoubtedly comes to mean the same thing.

Be that as it may, there is something evident and it is that in times of confusion and complexity the figure of the scapegoat always appears. It was used by political leaders, such as Hitler himself, focusing on the Jews the origin and reason for the situation of the Germans after the First World War.

However, we are not mistaken if we say that this theory manifests itself with high frequency in the field of family relationships. In fact, in therapy it is very common to see how many parents take their children to consultation blaming the little ones that their problem behaviors are the cause of all the problems in the home.

When in reality, in most cases, the origin is found in the relational and educational dynamics of these parents about their children. Let’s dig a little deeper.

Narcissistic fathers and mothers and the search for culprits for their own frustrations

The scapegoat theory is a figure that is institutionalized in households with either a controlling mother or a narcissistic father. They are people who leave nothing to chance, who have their own conviction about how things should be. When something does not happen as they want, you have to find guilty parties.

That way, if the dog pees at home, if the washing machine breaks or the food burns, you always have to look for a culprit. It does not matter that in most cases the fault lies with the person who accuses others. On the other hand, it is also common for a very common phenomenon to appear. Narcissistic parents project their frustrations onto their children.

With expressions such as “everything that happens is your fault because you always drive me crazy” what is done, in reality, is to dump their own discomfort on the child. Furthermore, studies such as those carried out at the University of Syracuse (Italy) affirm that when a person suffers intrapsychic conflict (frustration, anxiety and unhappiness) it is very common to transfer that negative charge on others.

Adult children who continue to bear the guilt of their parents

When a person grows up in an environment where parents have narcissistic traits, it is common to spend a good part of childhood thinking “that there is something wrong with yourself.” Thus, if there is an aspect to which one aspires during these early ages, it is to have the affection of the parents, their acceptance, their admiration or the need to show them that they can do things very well.

However, little by little, the son is exhausted by that effort and at some point he becomes aware that the problem is not in the person himself, but in that family environment. The scapegoat theory continues into adulthood and it is at this stage that problems can escalate further.

The father or mother can reproach the child who does not do enough for them, also that if they are sick or if things are going badly it is their fault. In this way, if during childhood and adolescence these dynamics and behaviors were accepted to avoid the emotional abandonment of the parent, in maturity this may change.

In the end, exhaustion and even boredom arises. Because being the object of all guilt annihilates the spirit and even the affection. They are people who are very hurt for being, in a way, the container and also the metaphor of that toxicity and chronic discomfort hidden in the psychological subsoil of said family.

What can we do?

In these situations it is vital to react. The first and most important thing is to repair the damage caused, heal self-esteem, identity and free yourself from guilt that is not your own.

Later, a decision will be made about the type of relationship to continue with the narcissistic family. Both limiting the deal and establishing distance are two acceptable options if you choose to do so.