Lies In Adolescents: What To Do?

Lies in adolescents are a daily phenomenon, as for other human beings in other stages of life. In fact, we consider the act of lying a milestone in the early stages of childhood life, because it represents an advance in the cognitive development and theory of mind of the child. The fact that he can do so means that he is able to work mentally with an imaginary reality, a skill that requires advanced cognitive ability.

In adolescence, lying can become a problem when it becomes a frequent or preferred coping strategy. This pattern is not less frequent in adolescents than in children or adults, it is more the opposite has been found, adolescents are more likely to lie, especially to their parents.

In an investigation by Arnett et al. (2004), it was found that adolescents frequently lie to their parents and that they use the lie as a way to affirm the right to autonomy. They also found that teens reported more lies compared to a sample of emerging adults.

In another study carried out by Levine et al. (2013), adolescents were found to lie more frequently than college students or adults. On average, they were found to report telling 4.10 lies in the past 24 hours. 75% more than university students and 150% more than adults, according to each group.

Teen ways of lying

People can lie in at least two ways:

• Default: This is to not intentionally share information.

• By commission : it consists of giving testimony of something different from what has actually happened. These kinds of lies are not only about facts. For example, we can pretend that we think that one option is correct, when in reality we believe that it is another.

On many occasions, to omission, people join another strategy: avoidance. We try not to meet some people so we don’t have to lie to them.

What Motivates Lies in Teens?

One of the reasons adolescents lie to their parents is because they try to assert dominance and autonomy in decision-making. It must be remembered that adolescence is a stage of development in which autonomy is important. This is defined by Erikson (as cited in Papalia, 2017) as a ‘coherent conception of the self, composed of goals, values ​​and beliefs with which the person establishes a solid commitment’ (p.357).

Lies in adolescents are often due to excessive parental control over them. Arnett et al. (2004) found in their research that the more control parents exercised, the more likely adolescents were to lie. This can lead to perpetuating the lie-control cycle, because parents, realizing that their children are lying to them, tend to be even more controlling.

They also lie out of fear or shame, to obtain something, to protect someone, not to face the consequences of the truth (Martins and Carvalho, 2019). They may do this to cover up emotions or feelings that they do not want to share with their parents. When there are many problems at home, adolescents avoid telling the truth so as not to increase the number.

Psychologist Kate Aubrey proposes five reasons for teenage lies:

• To avoid problems.
• So as not to disappoint parents.
• Due to social pressure, for example, not to miss a party or activity with friends.
• Bad communication. If the adolescent feels that he will not be understood, heard or respected, he will avoid communicating.
• For control, which is important to develop their autonomy.

What to do before lies in adolescents?

Chris Hudson, a youth specialist and parenting coach, proposes eight ways to confront and reduce teenage lies:

1. Connected relationships

A connected relationship requires good communication. How receptive are we to hearing certain truths?

Sometimes teens lie because they know their parents don’t want to hear that truth. For certain confidences it is necessary that there be a climate of trust.

2. Model of honesty

One of the main ways people learn is by observation, and teens are no exception. Teach him with your example to be honest, that he sees that you are a model of honesty and not simply a person who “preaches”.

By what authority will you tell your teenager not to tell lies if you use them consistently?

3. Negotiate

Learn to negotiate the limits with the adolescent, so that they feel like an imposition on us. When a person is forbidden or restricted his freedom, the most normal reaction is that he tries to restore it by acting in the opposite way. By negotiating, the adolescent reduces the perception of being controlled and increases their sense of autonomy by being a participant in decision-making.

4. Avoid interrogations, stimulate conversations

If your child has lied to you, try to have a peaceful conversation with him. Even if you are feeling a lot of anger, try to calm down before having a dialogue. Angry, you will be less open to listening to your child and understanding the reasons why he lied. Remember to communicate assertively and be clear about what you want to teach your child and how you will do it.

5. Don’t cheat

Since teenage lies are very common, if you discover the truth, avoid waiting for the opportunity to catch the adolescent “red-handed.” Remember that hiding the truth in a way of lying, so you would be incurring what you want your child not to do.

6. Use punishment in a proportionate and intelligent way

The way in which you respond to the behavior of your adolescent will determine, and much, his future behavior. If you impose a disproportionate punishment to the lack, what you can sow in the adolescent is fear.

When you discipline, try to keep in mind what you want to teach and find the right ways to do it. Explain the reasons why what is being punished should not be done. Communicate assertively and listen to what your child has to say.

7. Don’t label

Don’t define your adolescent as a liar because you can keep him or her behaving like one in order to reaffirm that “identity.”

The way we name and label people shapes the way we behave around them. If you label your child as a liar, he is more likely to end up behaving like one.

8. Pay attention 

Be on the lookout for your child’s lies and discuss his motivations with him. This will help you to understand a little about how your child relates and the intentions that lead him to lie. Once you identify why, invite your child to reflect on new ways of coping with situations and the importance of honesty. Do not focus so much on the lie, but on the reasons behind it.

Lies in adolescents are very common and multi-causal. To deal with them and with the difficulties they cause at the family level, one of the main strategies is to make a change in the relationship with the young person and generate spaces for assertive dialogues that allow understanding the dynamics and the reasons why they resort to lies .