The Root Of Jealousy

“If he is jealous it is because he loves you”, “I am jealous because I love you”, “Be concerned when I stop being jealous, because it means that I am no longer in love with you”. .. These are phrases that surely we have all heard (and even said at some point). Few emotions are as complex as jealousy, where disparate and always intense feelings swirl.

However, we must be clear:  jealousy does not show love. In reality, they are an emotional response to the fear of losing something, something that, on the other hand, we assume “belongs to us”, that it is our property. A highly worrisome and negative idea without a doubt.

Jealousy is an alarm signal that informs us of the existence of a danger. Thus, that risk is nothing other than the fear of losing the affection of our loved one. They are emotional realities that are usually accompanied by intense feelings such as abandonment and exclusion, internal experiences that, as expected, are experienced in an extreme and painful way.

You can feel jealous for many things, but above all they are related to those areas in which the person feels most insecure … It is common to experience this feeling when we see people more competent than us, and especially when we fear losing that link with our affectionate partners and even why not, with our friends.

Jealousy occurs not only with the partner (although it is the most typical case), but also between siblings, cousins, friends, relatives, work colleagues, etc. That is why this feeling, present in all cultures for thousands of years, is part of songs, myths, legends, books and of course, scientific research.

Starting from the misconception that someone belongs to us

If we put aside the perception that the other is our heritage, jealousy would not exist. As simple as that. The human being by nature has been raised in an environment where he appropriates everything around him. We keep something because we like it, it does us good, we enjoy it and we want it to be at our mercy when we feel like it.

In the specific case of the couple, where there are more cases of jealousy, the feelings and opinions of both should matter. This means that a balance needs to be carried out. We cannot pretend that the other is an object that does what we want, when, how, where and how often we want it.

On the other hand, something evolutionary psychologists point out to us is that jealousy is a type of emotion that should not be suppressed. And we should not do it for a very simple reason: if we veto it and hide it, they will still be there, latent and dangerous. We must understand them for what they are, a warning sign that we must manage. Most of the time, they start from unfounded fears and insecurities, psychological dimensions that we must deal with ourselves.

What is the root of jealousy?

In the 90s an extensive study was carried out by the University of New York where it was sought to understand the root of jealousy. The results hinted at something that psychologists themselves already sensed: behind jealousy is insecurity, low self-esteem and especially in an upbringing where there was no healthy attachment. Thus, as people mature and grow, we generate dependent behaviors towards our partners, where jealousy is very frequent.

On the other hand, a study published in the journal  Developmental Psychology warns of something that we cannot ignore. Our teens are becoming more and more jealous and controlling. Today, jealousy and aggressiveness, as well as mistreatment and control of the partner are realities that we see more and more frequently. This is something to ponder.

Dependence, lack of self-esteem and fear of loneliness, key to jealousy

The couple needs autonomy from each of its members, they need to be able to decide, grow personally and professionally. Creating a satisfactory bond with the loved one implies knowing how to grow in the relationship by creating strong ties, but also knowing how to let go so that both are capable of achieving personal goals.

Of course, at this point is when we think: If I “let” him do what he wants, he will surely cheat on me or behave as he should not. Not necessarily … The most important reason or cause of jealousy is the feeling of self-worth, low self-esteem and the fear of being abandoned.

As we can see that presence of excessive fears and lack of emotional and personal development, generates high unhappiness in the long term. So what can we do to “cure” jealousy?

• The important thing is to go directly to the root that generates them. It is normal that we all have parts of ourselves that we do not like or want to improve, the problem is when we reject these parts in a destructive way, and instead of transforming them we injure them more with our thoughts and actions.

It is therefore necessary that we invest in ourselves, that we enhance our self-esteem, our self-concept and personal image. It is also vital that we learn to allow space and trust the people we love.

Don’t believe that story that jealousy means love

If your partner is controlling your every move, if he criticizes how you dress or prohibits you from spending time with your friends and family, react and open your eyes: that love is not healthy.

If he spies on you while you are writing a text message or an email, if he feels uneasy when you go to work and makes excuses for you to stay at home, or if when you return from each place, you have to endure a kind of interrogation, react . Maybe it’s time to talk and make certain things clear.

It is said that a sickly jealous person is impossible to recover, but what can be done is to prevent the thing from happening to adults. How? By talking about it, making him understand that he has a problem (even though he may not have realized it), and helping that person understand that trust is very important in a relationship.

Let’s prevent jealousy from sabotaging our relationships and don’t hesitate to ask for help when we think it’s necessary. Sometimes, behind the jealous behavior, personality or emotional disorders can be hidden that it is necessary to work on. Let us not neglect the unhappiness we feel today for tomorrow.