When Education Hurts: Toxic Mothers

We are talking about toxic mothers, however, it should also be clarified that there are toxic fathers and toxic grandparents. Toxic mothers are pillars in the education of children who, far from promoting personal maturity and security, anchor heavy chains completely vetoing the physical and emotional independence of that person.

Now, it can be said that the role of the mother almost always has a more intense weight in the education of children. It is she who establishes that bond of care and affection so close with that newborn, who day by day, will detach from his arms to move safely through the world knowing that he is loved, always having that reference that has given him an unconditional but healthy love. , with which to mature intelligently.

1. What is behind the personality of toxic mothers?

It may attract our attention, but behind the behavior of a toxic mother, there is love. Now, we all know that when it comes to talking about love, there are two sides of the same coin: there is that dimension capable of promoting the personal growth of the person, either at the couple or family level, and in turn, there is also that more toxic side where a selfish and interested love is exercised, sometimes even suffocating, which can be completely destructive.

The worrying thing is that the family members who deploy the tricks of toxicity, do it towards creatures that are in the process of personal maturation, where their personality, their self-esteem must settle … All this, will sculpt in them great voids, great insecurities sometimes insurmountable. Let’s now see what psychological dimensions outline toxic mothers:

1. Insecure personality

Sometimes, a toxic mother tends to hide a clear lack of self-esteem and self-sufficiency that forces them to see in their children “that lifeline” to model and control to always have by their side, to cover their deficiencies.

Seeing, for example, that their children are beginning to be autonomous, that they no longer need them so much and that little by little they are able to make a living, is a great anxiety for them, since they fear above all being alone. Hence, they are capable of deploying “clever tricks”, to continue to be close to them and even justify that it should be this way, and one way of doing this is by projecting their same lack of self-esteem, and their same insecurity, onto children from the beginning.

2. Obsession for control

The need that toxic mothers have to control every aspect of their lives, makes them end up doing the same in the lives of their children. They are not able to see the limits. For them, control is synonymous with security, of something immanent that does not change, and what does not change is good because it makes them feel good.

The complicated thing about this dimension is that toxic mothers tend to exercise control thinking that with it, they are doing good and thus showing love for others. “I make your life easy by controlling your things so that you are happy”, “I only want the best for you, and therefore I prevent you from being wrong” …

The control carried out from the justification of affection, is the worst act of overprotection. We thereby prevent children from being autonomous, capable and courageous. And even more, that they learn from their mistakes.

3. The projection of unfulfilled wishes

“I want you to achieve what I did not have”, “I do not want you to fall into the same mistakes”, “I want you to become what I cannot achieve” .

Sometimes toxic mothers project the unfulfilled wishes of their own past onto their children, without asking if they want what they want, without giving them the option to choose, thinking that by doing so, they show them unconditional love, when in reality, it is a false love. An interested love.

How to deal with a mother or any “toxic” family member?

Be aware that you must break the cycle of toxicity. You have lived within it for a long time, you know the wounds it has left you, however, now you understand that you need to spread your wings to be yourself. To be happy. It’s going to cost you, but you have to start saying “No”, calling out your needs and building your own walls, those that no one should go through.

Is it your mother, or is it your family, you love them and you know that breaking that cycle of toxicity can cause some harm. Sometimes speaking the truth about what you feel hurts others, but it is a vital necessity. It’s just about setting limits and making it clear what you allow or what you don’t. You do not want to cause any harm, you must make it clear, just as it must be recorded that you do not want to be hurt anymore.

Acknowledge manipulation. There are times when it is so subtle that we do not realize it, so listen to any word, any behavior. And above all, do not fall into the networks of “victimization”, since it is an easy resource to which toxic people and toxic mothers often resort. Stand up as the most hurt, the most hurt, when in reality, the one who has hurt is you. Always keep it in mind.

Image Courtesy: Anna Radchenko