Conflicts Are Perceptions, Not Realities

If I asked you what conflicts are, you would all know how to give me a rough definition, right? Ideas would arise from parallel concepts such as fight, disagreement, discussion … We are clear that it is a “confrontation” between two or more people who are in opposing positions, right?

In a conflict, the interests and needs of the other party are incomprehensible … But wait a minute, are they really incompatible or do we perceive them as such? This is the crux of the matter! It turns out that emotions and feelings play an important role in conflicts. Read on and find out what is behind them!

Why are conflicts perceptions and not realities?

But what does this mean? Well, human beings are not purely objective. We do not process or analyze the information as it is, without further ado. To do this, we use our past experience and our beliefs, something that will condition us to think and interpret situations in a certain way.

Thus, conflict may or may not exist, just as it may or may not be perceived. I explain. On the one hand, it may really be that the wishes and needs of both parties are incompatible and there is indeed a conflict as such. In this case there will be competitiveness, since for one party to win the other must lose.

On the other hand, the conflict may be real, but one of the parties does not perceive it. If we do not perceive incompatibility, we will not be confronted.

Likewise, it is possible that there is not really a confrontation as such, but that it is based on false perceptions. That is, here we have interpreted the behavior of the other in a negative way, believing that it is harmful to us. If it seems complex to you, do not worry, because now we are going to try to clarify it.

What is the iceberg theory?

To better understand all this, let’s see what the iceberg theory says. This theory states that conflicts are precisely like an iceberg. There is a small part that we see, that of the positions of the opposing parties. But there is also another part that is not seen in the confrontation.

That part that is not seen is made up of the interests, needs, values ​​and emotions involved.  The interests would be the benefits that we want to obtain through the conflict. Needs are often related to interests, although they may not coincide with them. It is generally difficult for the parties to perceive them as well as to recognize them.

What justifies and argues behaviors are values. These are made up of both cultural and ideological elements. Many times, we are not even aware that values ​​play this role in confrontations, nor do we reflect on it.

Lastly, underneath conflicts are emotions. It is extremely important that we know how the other feels in order to reach a joint solution. If we do not put ourselves in the shoes of the other and understand them, we will not be able to reach an agreement that satisfies all parties. In order to do this, we have to know the psychological processes that occur.

What psychological processes are behind the conflict?

There are several psychological processes that can be found behind conflicts : selective perception of information, self-fulfilling prophecy, fundamental attributional error, entrapment, and the search for confirmatory information.

The search for confirmatory information is about looking for information that confirms what we expect to happen. For example, telling the conflict to someone who we know is going to side with us.

Self-fulfilling prophecy is making what we believe will happen to happen, through our behavior and unconsciously. For example, after arguing with a person, expecting them to give us a bad look every time we cross paths and that this is probably due to our own attitude towards them.

The fundamental attributional error consists in explaining the bad behavior of others by how they are, and ours by external factors. That is, the others do it wrong because they are like that, instead we do it because of the situation.

Finally, the entrapment would be to continue defending our opinion, even though we are already aware that we are wrong.

This way that we human beings, to a greater or lesser extent, of thinking will keep the conflict going. Therefore, it is important that we are aware of it and try to handle it as well as possible. To reach a common point, it is necessary for both parties to perceive that they need each other, as well as to commit to achieving a satisfactory solution for all.

Images courtesy of Nick Schumacher and Naomi August.