The Ostracism In The Couple, What Does It Consist Of?

There is a form of psychological abuse in romantic relationships that we could call ostracism in the couple. In Ancient Greece, to punish those considered dangerous, they were subjected to exile and isolation. This exclusion ended up becoming a harsh sentence for the person, because without the protection and consideration of the people, they would not survive.

Unfortunately, we can sometimes find ourselves with this ostracism in the field of the couple. They are usually couples in which the fundamental pillar of communication is conspicuous by its absence. Usually it is one of the members who ostracizes the other. This indifference includes behaviors such as ignoring the partner, not attending to their communication or emotional needs, or leaving them empty for a substantial time.

For proper communication to take place, it must have three basic elements in its composition: a sender, a receiver and a message. In this type of relationship based on emotional coldness, there is a message and a sender, but there is no receiver.

The person who exercises the ostracism is not willing to communicate with his partner, refuses to listen to him and tries to silence him through characteristic behaviors, such as not picking up the phone or leaving the home where they live.

Signs that you are being ostracized from your partner

We can know if our partner is exercising ostracism by attending to different signals. They are as follows:

• Refusal to have a conversation about a controversial topic. It is normal, even healthy, for couples to argue. The key lies in how the discussions are handled. When there is ostracism in the couple, what happens is that there is one member who wants to talk to solve the conflict or reach an agreement, but the other does not support their attitude. It may even be the case that the member who wants to talk stays talking alone, as if he were talking to the wall, while the other ignores him. We can imagine the damage that this situation, repeated over time, can generate in the victim’s self-esteem.
• Ignore questions or respond with monosyllables. It is very frequent that the person who carries out the ostracism responds with monosyllables, extinguishing the manifestations of attention that the other makes. The objective is that the other ends up getting tired and stops talking. The problem is that this generates great discomfort in the couple that is not resolved and accumulates.

• Avoid all types of contact, physical and visual. The victim does not feel loved in these situations, but the other way around: they feel a very bitter rejection, in fact the idea that it produces disgust in the other may appear. This has a direct impact on self-esteem, since the person may end up believing that they do not deserve affection or contact, that they are not desirable or attractive, etc.
• Not accompanying social events. It is true that each one must be able to preserve their essence within the couple, but it is also true that the couple is there to reciprocate and support. If your partner never accompanies you to an event, meeting, date, etc., it is likely that he is not taking these types of needs into account.
• Don’t get unconditional support. Very attached to the previous one. The couple is supposed to be an entity that exists to bestow and receive love and support. If your partner cancels your plans, your dreams or your projects, he does not accompany you, does not give you encouragement or motivation in this regard, he is not supporting you unconditionally.

• Show no affection. Despite everything that may happen – within limits – the couple loves each other. This reality should be a pillar for a good part of what is built. You can argue, but always with affection, respect and trying to reach agreements that benefit both of you.

What does the victim feel?

The ostracism in the couple, as we have already commented, becomes evident in different behaviors or signals. Sometimes they can go unnoticed since it is not a direct physical or psychological abuse. There are no insults or verbal put-downs. The problem is that even in this way, ostracism can do more harm than outright assault.

Sometimes the victim deceives himself with excuses for not leaving the relationship because he thinks that this indifference is nothing more than a passing behavior. It is also normal that you may come to think that your partner has that way of being and that it is your mission to tolerate it and be flexible or that it simply “is not so bad.” Even some people in your environment may make you believe that everyone has flaws and that this is your partner’s. Therefore, she is destined to have to endure it.

But deep down, the victim suffers every day as she cannot anticipate when her partner will begin to ignore her. It is also common that you are perpetually in a state of intense anxiety: in each situation of this type, you accumulate unspoken messages and unfinished business.

On the other hand, it is also common for the victim to feel fear . He cannot express himself or communicate because his experience tells him that, if he does so, the indifference and, therefore, also the pain and sadness that it generates can return.