That They Left You Does Not Mean That You Did Everything Wrong

Love breakups are often painful for the parties involved. However, the person who has been left may feel much worse, because they have not had the opportunity to participate in the decision. For this reason, you may interpret the situation as a failure on your part and plunge into guilt, most of the time destructive.

This sense of personal failure can be even more acute if the breakup was caused by a third person. In these cases, it seems inevitable to compare yourself with her, which contributes to feeling worse. Now, is it inevitable to have this feeling of being worthless when they leave us? Let’s go deeper.

The pain of breakups

Why does it hurt so much that they left us? It is logical that when ending a relationship we are invaded by pain, especially if that decision has not been ours, after all, we want to continue with our ex-partner. However, there are many processes that come into play in love breakups. And it is that when we mate, all kinds of changes occur in the innermost part of our being.

When we choose a partner, we do not do it randomly: something about that person causes us to connect deeply and decide to be with them. In that moment,  we show our underbelly in the hope of being reciprocated.

If all goes well and the relationship begins, we enter the infatuation phase. During this stage we are enraptured with that person, we admire him and we see him as unique. We believe that it complements us, that “we have found our better half”, although that phrase is quite a cliché.

So when the relationship doesn’t work out, we feel completely baffled. We don’t know what to do with our emotions and we desperately seek to keep that person by our side. Even sometimes we can carry out behaviors that show that we do not value enough.

There are many factors that influence the way we act, however, most of them come from a terrible fear of being alone. Due to our irrational beliefs about love, when we feel alone,  inner emptiness returns and the fear of not knowing what to do with it. And sometimes this leads us to act in ways that are harmful to ourselves.

Where does this void come from?

The emptiness we feel when they leave us is ours, it comes from the innermost part of us. We believe that we need another person to complement us to feel full, but  this is a serious mistake. By thinking this way, we are giving an extremely great responsibility to that other person, something that does not correspond to him.

When we begin to depend on others to feel good, we are laying the groundwork for our relationship to fail. It is one thing that we feel good with our partner, and quite another is to need her to be well. If we place ourselves in this position, we will surely feel vulnerable and insecure. And this will cause even the healthiest relationship to begin to deteriorate.

To build a mature and mindful relationship, you need two whole people, not some kind of amalgamation of the two. It is like dancing a tango: the two members of the couple must know their role, they cannot depend on each other to take their next step. By uniting the movements of both, you can appreciate a single integrated dance that delights both those who look at it and those who dance it.

In the same way, the secret of a relationship is that each one manages to continue being himself despite being in a relationship. To do this, both must take responsibility for their actions, in addition to giving themselves to the other person to the extent that they really can. The two of you can love each other intensely and authentically, but in turn, in the way that fulfills you the most.

When you really give, failure no longer exists

When we authentically give ourselves in a relationship, we feel more connected to the other person. In addition, we will be acting in a congruent way between what we are thinking and feeling about the couple. Love thus becomes something more pure. However, getting it costs a lot because we tend to feel afraid that they will make fun of us, hurt us or leave us.

To lose this fear, you have to understand that the worst thing is not that they leave us. Thus, the greatest failure is not the breakup, but the time invested in a relationship in which we were not comfortable or did not give ourselves fully due to our fears.

If we were in a relationship where we honestly and authentically gave ourselves, gave our best, and still left us, this does not mean that we are failures. Why? Because during the time we were there, we were totally involved. I mean, just being in the relationship already made up for us enough, because it was what we really wanted to do. We did not do it for not being alone, to comply or for any other reason based on fear. That is the true triumph and value of a relationship.

The history of a couple should not be assessed on the basis of whether there is a breakup or its duration. If the other person could not be as involved as we were, it may be she who failed or we simply weren’t compatible. In any case,  your value as a person remains intact no matter what happens ; After all, you did what you thought was the right thing to do.