How To Live Amid The Tension Generated By Our Unconscious Desires And Limits

We are torn between fervent desires and the limits of reality. Life constantly presents us with challenges and we decide which to ignore and which to challenge. However, on exceptional occasions we go through extreme situations. These put us to the test and in many cases allow us to understand that we are much stronger than we thought.

In other cases, our wishes never materialize and we have no idea why, so in this article we will try to bring to light some of these camouflaged reasons. If you join us, we will try to discover where these inexplicable limitations come from  that prevent us from achieving what we want.

First of all, let us think that  desires arise as a result of an interest in achieving something that we do not have, or at least in the way and in the time that we would like to have it. In addition, in some way we feel its lack and we consider it necessary.

Filling that gap implies putting into practice a procedure, a methodology or a strategy. If we succeed, everything is fine. The problem arises when we notice that we got something else. What we wanted so much was not really what we wanted.

This result is just as frustrating as when we work very hard to reach a goal and in the end we do not achieve it. In fact, it also happens that sometimes we do not find satisfaction for the desires for which we fight the most. As much as we use all the resources that we have within our reach, the advances do not produce and the objective always seems to remain at a greater distance than we can extend our arm.

It is as if reality insists on contrary to our intuition and our reason, that no matter how much he dives, he finds no reason not to reach the goal. But … what is really happening in the background? Where is this insurmountable obstacle?

Messages that contaminate our desires

Many times we are not sure what it is we really want. We are not only influenced by collective wishes, expressed in advertising, for example, but also by comments from family and friends. The truth is that, although such comments may be well-intentioned, they may not respond to our real needs.

The family is, by itself, a complete factory of expectations. From the moment we are born, a kind of “ideal” is forged around us. If we are the oldest in the house, because we are. If we are the youngest, the same. And so on with different categories, such as gender or appearance. The moment the family lives when we come into the world also has a lot to do with it.

In principle, we are the result of the wishes of others. It is a wish that makes our life possible. To some extent we were desired, otherwise we probably would not have been born. And if there hadn’t been a sustained desire, we wouldn’t have survived the first few years either.

However, that desire that gave rise to us is not always clear or healthy. Despite this, at the beginning of life we ​​have no alternative but to bow to the wishes of others. Part of the maturation process is precisely freeing ourselves from that yoke. Understand what was the wish that made our lives possible. And define to what extent those expectations coincide with our personal project.

The unconscious commands

We are in a world where it seems that everyone is capable of giving an expert opinion on our wishes. Of course, that also depends a lot on the place we occupy in the world and the environment in which we grew up. The good and the bad, that is, the desirable and the reprehensible, are delimited categories, at least partially, before our existence.

During childhood a series of mandates are imprinted on life. Some of them are explicit. They tell you how you “should” be. They reward you when you conform to the pattern and punish you if you don’t. This is how you learn patterns of behavior, which through reinforcement and repetition, you end up becoming a habit. For this, in addition to a good repertoire of direct mandates, there is also a whole set of masked mandates that are much more difficult to pin down.

Imagine a mother who caresses her child in deep sadness. You see her and, without her telling you anything, you feel indebted. Maybe she hopes you are a comfort. May you release her from her frustration, her loneliness or her pain. Maybe I will educate you based on it. And so, without hardly noticing it, you can assume their expectation as an unconscious command.

Following this example, it is likely that someone who has such a mother will also experience difficulties defining and carrying out their own wishes. You can assume that seeking independence is assaulting the mother. Or you may believe that being happy is a way of betraying her. But since all this is unconscious, the situation will not look so clear. Rather, it will be reflected in self-sabotage, or procrastination, or lack of goals.

Winning the battle between desires and limitations

If you feel that you cannot finish defining what your desires are, it is very likely that an unconscious command is operating within you. The same is true for cases in which we apparently have a well-defined desire, but at the same time, no matter how much effort we make, we cannot satisfy it.

The keys to understanding what is happening to you may be in your  childhood. In the wishes of those around you. It may happen that you even manage to identify those expectations that were forged in front of you. And that, consciously, you reject them and seek to separate yourself from them.

To win the battle between conscious desires and unconscious limitations, you first have to identify what are those disguised or hidden forces operating in your life. For this, an exercise in introspection is essential, so that therapeutic help becomes a valuable ally in these cases. In general, it allows you to locate the limitations, make them aware and dilute them.

Images courtesy of Ammy Judd and F. Infante