If Love Cuts Your Wings, It Is Not Love, But Dependence
“I can’t live without you” is a phrase that we come across all the time in songs, poems, or regular conversations. Not to mention radio and television with its novels, melodramas and other spaces for entertainment. In principle, we do not notice that it is a strong dependency statement.
There is also talk of “better half”, of “I am nothing without you”, of “with you until the end of the world”. The harsh reality shows us, however, that behind such and perhaps innocent displays of commitment represented in letters, there may be something more. Perhaps there is that crouching enemy: dependency.
As we can see, it is the same society that repeats messages, in the key of romantic love, that feed this emotional dependence. It is precisely in these messages that love loses its meaning to become a silent struggle that, little by little, ends up destroying the relationship. It never leads to a good thing.
Do we know how to identify when we go from love to dependency? It is difficult to establish, especially because pride and fear of being alone are responsible for putting a blindfold on us that covers us from reality. But there is an infallible aspect that is a sure red flag: if you suffer in your relationship, but you cannot leave it, it is possible that it has become dependency.
Need to control and be controlled: a symptom of dependency
They live pending their telephones to see when the couple connects; and, if he does, but does not say hello immediately, doubts, fears, anger, conjectures begin. Meanwhile, she or he cannot attend you because they are in the middle of a meeting, in class, etc. There is also the possibility that at that moment they do not want, something that is not an indicator that they love you less.
For this reason, many relationships have ended or are facing terrible problems. Knowing where they are, what they are doing, what the other thinks or doesn’t think is a clear sign of emotional dependence. Social networks become spaces for misunderstandings. The light that announces the presence on Facebook or Whatshapp became an accusatory finger.
As is feeling that you are not important to the other person. “What’s wrong with you, is that you don’t even feel jealous anymore? You don’t care who I’m with? ” Apparently he is sinning by omission. Then love, instead of being used to grow together, shows one of its worst faces and reveals insecurity.
Manipulation and dependency
You have to save the relationship at all costs. It is like holding on to the last board that floats in the sea after a shipwreck. It does not matter that the pain multiplies. The only thing that is worth is not allowing, for any reason, that person to move away and we end up adrift.
We no longer eat or sleep. Our defenses are lowered and we get sick. At that moment we made use of manipulation. She or he is to blame for the misfortune. If he leaves, it no longer makes sense to fight, “I need you by my side because I am nothing without you.”
The couple feel pressured and even guilty about the situation. Although he no longer loves, he stays anyway. You don’t want to carry responsibility for your entire life if you cause serious harm to the other person. I would not forgive him. At this point we can no longer talk about love. While the relationship remains, it has now become a source of pain.
What can I do if I suffer from dependency?
Like everything in life, the first step is to recognize that we are facing a problem. Accept that from that wonderful relationship there is only one commitment that, perhaps, we maintain out of habit or fear. You have to face reality with determination and courage.
It is common to fall into the idealization of the other and not exceed the one that occurs in the early stages of falling in love. Hence, it is very difficult to establish new relationships because we dedicate ourselves to comparing all the men or women who approach us with our previous partner. Dependence brings with it this rejection of everything that is not the idealized.
Speaking directly and bluntly is essential. It is not about imposing our point of view and it is not about falling into manipulation. The ideal is to be sincere, tell the truth and free the other from a love that no longer gives life but poisons.
A break up with a person we still love inevitably brings a grief. It is a feeling similar to the one we have when a loved one dies. First we refuse to accept that that person will no longer be by our side. Immediately, we sink into a sadness for those memories that torment us. After suffering, we assimilate the loss: something clicks inside us and we are ready to start again.
Images courtesy of M. Lafontan and Zemael
