Using Hints Can Do A Lot Of Damage

The ingenious and talented actor and comedian Groucho Marx immortalized the phrase “these are my principles. If you do not like, I have others”. He was a great comedian who, through the use of comic hints, said everything he wanted, regardless of who it was. Now, using hints to make you laugh may sound like fun, and it usually is.

However, they can become a problem when we are out of this context and want to convey an important message. In fact, in these contexts where the content of the communication is especially relevant, people tend to use hints because we do not feel safe enough to share the same message directly.

Think that  if hints are not used correctly and in the right context, they can really hurt. With the use of language in a distorted and manipulated way, we can be ruining even a romantic relationship. or of another type, but that we care.

What is a hint and why can it hurt?

If we look at the literal definition of the indirect word, we can summarize it as an expression that is used to imply something, but we do not say it precisely and clearly. This is the most accepted meaning.

I mean, hints can be funny … or not.  If we look at the study carried out by Professor James K. McNulty, in which a conclusion is drawn, and that is that high expectations ruin the happiness of a good number of couples who do not have solid and free ties.

What is the relationship between hints and McNulty’s study? According to the researcher, waiting for high expectations in the marriage or partner leads to personal and marital dissatisfaction. All this triggers a series of really negative attitudes regarding communication.

Conclusions on indirect

The marital dissatisfaction gleaned from the study leads us to some conclusions McNulty drew. For example, the convenience of being direct when demanding changes from a partner. We have to be clear if we want to encourage the motivation of the other person.

Now, in case of using indirect and “taunts”, according to McNulty, we are paving the way for indirect hostility and sarcasm to take over the relationship. Thus, an environment is created where reproach runs freely, removing the possibility of resolving conflicts. We are being destructive.

In reality, excessive hints are a failure of the communication channels between the couple. This is an excellent breeding ground for silences, contempt, aggressiveness and a lack of verbal and non-verbal language to be born. An evil that, according to the study, afflicted a large number of marriages.

Other cases of interest on indirect

Other researchers went much further on the problem of the use of hints. The anthropologist Gregory Bateson estimated in his 1956 publications that the “double bind message”, as he considered “taunts”, if repeated excessively over time, can even lead to anxiety disorders and even schizophrenia .

This is not to say that we cannot use hints in ordinary communication. In fact, it doesn’t have to be pathological. We can do it eventually, but keeping in mind that we are putting a veil behind our communication that makes it difficult for the message to travel.

How to establish the logical use of hints

There are sensible ways to establish a logical use of hints, of course. Let’s see some ideas that we extract from the studies of McNulty, Bateson or coach Víctor Pacheco, who has also worked on this issue:

• In a relationship in which at least two parties are involved, it is absolutely necessary to lay the foundations to ensure that communication is respectful and healthy. You have to think before you speak and not try to hurt as a constant resource to defend yourself.
• We must use the most direct sincerity in all relationships. If we use hints to avoid doing harm or even to do it, we are damaging communication, avoiding the problem and breaking any tune. We can use hints, but keeping in mind that it was precisely this, an hint, never a clear and direct message. In this way, the responsibility that they do not understand us will have to be assumed by ourselves.

• Thinking before speaking is another detail to take into account. This way we will be able to know what we say, we will learn to respect the point of view of other people and we will achieve richer discussions with more valuable conclusions.

Remember to use hints in a moderate way, knowing well the area in which you move and after having established a common ground with the other person. Otherwise, you could be creating a breeding ground that ends in a few months with the relationship, is that what you want?

Indirect as a weapon

Hints can not only destroy a romantic relationship. They also occur in areas of friendship, family, work, politics … Many people use indirect words to cause intentional harm. Not only do we use them in the wrong way, but we know when to “drop” them and cause harm to someone. A hint, for example, in the workplace can cause more harm than good.

If we have made a mistake and our boss instead of calmly commenting on it to us says “someone has made a mistake and it was not me” , we may feel anger. Why? In some way we interpret that our boss believes that he is perfect and incapable of making a mistake, then the mistakes that are made are ours due to our incompetence. If the hint is in a humorous tone, nothing happens. But in this case we are talking about voracious hints that are repeated over and over again.

The same happens at the family or friendship level. Hints can be very harmful, because in some way we are undermining the self-esteem of the other person. We drop it from the air that someone has done something wrong or is doing something wrong. And we ourselves are the ones who have to attribute that wrong action to ourselves. In this way, unconsciously we can come to think that we do not know how to do things well. So a constructive criticism is much better than an indirect one.